if i go crazy then will you still call me superman

maybe i shld just fuck off.

unfavourable things always happens where i am.

i told reghu about superman alr. it felt so good to be able to confide in someone after keeping it inside me. although asy and tab knows, but i always feel like im burdening them with something they're not interested in. although im not as close to reghu as i am to asy they all right now, but i feel like i could trust him. as to whether or not my instinct, i guess only time will tell (sounds like a cheesy tagline to a movie). i'll just treat it as my last investment in friendship and trust.


start rant
to you: you always expect me to give you 100% trust, to tell you every little secret, reveal to you the contents of every private conversation, but you wont even tell me something as simple as this. i am really a fool. to think that when i confide in you about -, i'll expect you to trust in me like i do to you. im really very bloody angry. humiliating to be treated like that after all that i've done. in the end you still turned out to be like everyone else - totally reckless with my feelings. this is already hard enough whats with the division and i am trying not to be affected by being light-hearted but you are making me complicate things. i know you are joking along with them when you called me names but dont think that i have not realised that those names are getting more and more vile each day. i am not immune to all of these you know! im trying to stay oblivious because i dont want to add onto anybody's trouble but i am still a girl even though you dont see me as one and i am vulnerable. i still feel insecure when any of them make an off-handed remark that might seem harmless.

you are actually only making me more unsound despite what you think and you know what i really think of you? i think you are only talking to me because i am the only one who would listen to you rant about her. and now that ---, talking to me is just a waste of time because you will rather spend it with her. i already know that what you want is me to get closer to her and try to make me make her like you or smth but i am ok with that, because friends are supposed to help each other. but what i never expected was that you would just brush off my troubles like that. like my troubles are nothing compared to yours, like my whole person is inferior to you.
(and the sad thing is, like the rest, you dont realise that i am crazy over him as much as you are crazy over her)

i dont want to say this, but i wonder if i'd made a mistake of letting you get to close with me. i think if i listen to - and keep a safe distance from you, - and i will not be like almost strangers liao.
end rant

i really hate to vent and turn this blog into such a boring place with negative-feeling but i really have no where to go. even my best friend dont give a damn to what i have to say. i hate being a listener sometimes even though people says im good at it. and what i really hate, is this wrathful person i have become. i am vile, hateful, malicious, spiteful and i hate it. i want to go back to the days when i am still unpretentious, good and oblivious. but life/time fucks us all up.

dear guanyinma please let me have -. i promise to become a better person, but just let me have -.